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Tuesday, May 19, 2009

So When Am I Going To Post A "Real" One?

I've heard that question asked a few times in the last few weeks. Usually before that comes...You used to put everything out there in black & white...You used to say what everyone else things...I used to connect with your words...

I'm moving my own mental roadblocks here. Yes, I USED to do all of those things with great ease. The problem? I've had to shut myself down for months. Had to. I couldn't put myself, the real me ANYWHERE. My ex was tracking my every word, looking for every insight into my thinking & grasping at whatever nuggets he could find. Stalking. Watching. Stalking a little more. Watching anything I wrote both professionally & personally. Watching me quite literally thru windows while standing in my backyard. Following every move that he could. So I cut him off and in doing so, I had to cut myself off as well. I couldn't ramble on about day to day bullshit. I couldn't tell you where I was going, what I had done or where I might be. I couldn't interact here that's for sure. I became keenly aware that the more info I divuldged the more I put friends at risk for his nuttiness. He was latching on to anyone at all in contact with me.

So I kind of disappeared. He is now locked away tight and won't be walking free anytime soon. I still feel as though I've disappeared. I'm trying to figure out how to revive myself. How do you return from self imposed non-existence? Especially when you realize while taking your first free breaths that you had NO fucking idea how much you've HAD to hold back. You've had no idea how on alert you've been until you realize that you CAN sleep without your cell in your hand because he will NOT be busting in a window on this night or any other one. You can sleep in your bed upstairs rather than on the couch near the front door. You can let your kids run freely in the yard without worrying (more than the normal mother) that they'll be snatched away by a vindictive idiot whose personal mission is to get even.

With me.

Because it is quite simply, over.

How do you return to the land of the living when you had no idea that you'd even left?

I had no idea that the bottom of the rabbit hole was this far down. But I'm trying to find the top. Maybe just putting it all out here right now, refusing to reread it, refusing to edit or spellcheck will move the huge boulder that has been in my way.

I have so much more to say than I did before. I understand things so much better than I did before. I get it now, really, truly- get it.

What's important. What's a useless, irrelevant pile of crap. I get it. People are everything. Good friends are precious. Emotional connections are the next best thing to god.

And yes, now I WILL be back daily.


Blogger kdgator said...

Yay. I'm so happy you are back, and you know girl that the offer is there. If you need to talk, just call my cell. pssstttt. I have my own office now, so calling while I'm at work is no biggie. :D And know this. I'll always comment you here. I have changed how I am about blogging. You'll see.

May 19, 2009 at 8:37 PM  
Anonymous Jams (I think you know my site) said...

Well it's about time! Welcome back, and I hope that you will allow us to read about your life, past and present as you continue to climb out of the rabbit hole. I've really truly missed you.

May 19, 2009 at 8:44 PM  
Anonymous Michael said...

welcome back Katy. You know you have been missed.

May 20, 2009 at 3:09 AM  
Anonymous Rach said...

Missed you and your honesty Katy. Your vulnerability and strength are equal. Must catch up for real soon!

May 20, 2009 at 4:49 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hugs to you. ALWAYS!

May 22, 2009 at 1:50 AM  

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